Why?

    So many things running through my head lately. So many changes in this country that have some celebrating, others mourning. I don't feel like celebrating or mourning, but there is something nagging at my soul as I view what is going on around me.
    Maybe the age old question of, Why as a civilization have we not advanced beyond the us vs. them mentality. What holds us to this antiquated notion? This us vs. them mentality has created a lot of problems throughout history. And todays world does not seem to have advanced any more now than in times past.
    A younger version of myself loved to watch and read stories of a future world that we all shared, where men and women lived as equals. Where the fear of the others was far less than it is now. My younger self hungered for that world. Where all could live in peace and love.
   Stories were told about it in church, but it only existed in the afterlife. I wanted it to exist in this life. Surely if man could write about the afterlife and all the joys to be found there, he could find a way to bring about that life here. But as surely as the sun rises each day man kept clinging to the old ways.
    We even had a teacher sent to us to show the world how to live without fear of the others, and without using the old ways of us vs. them. A religion was even started that claimed to follow in his footsteps. But too quickly it was corrupted back into the old ways. The message was right there and they still fear to follow it.
    What drives the fear? What do they fear the most? The teacher showed us the way to live without that fear, but they feared living a life without the fear to drive them. And after all these years we still have problems understanding the message he brought to us.
    Still trying to decipher all the meanings of his message myself, which isn't easy with all that has not been written about his life. And I still feel fear about certain things in life, but when I let go and feel him walking beside me those fears go away.
    So when will man let goes of these fears and learn to follow what all the great prophets of old have tried to tell us? Somewhere in the future I hope that someone else does not sit down and write some of the same words that I have written here today. But one of my greatest fears is that this world will never change and mankind will be doomed to live as we always have, Us vs. Them and all the fear it entails.
 

Dealing with Chronic Pain

Is there a way to deal with this?
Each day is an adventure, waiting to see what will become of the day.
I start little projects in my mind that I want to do, pain and defeat soon stop these projects.
More projects spring forth in the mind only to suffer the same fate.
An endless stream of ideas flows through my head.
The things I use to Love and could do without failure linger just beyond my abilities.
Fate has dealt a cruel blow that is hard to rise above.

First Real Love

Do we ever forget the one that captured our heart so many years ago? 
The laughter we shared, 
The smiles that lit up your face,
Your mischievous eyes,
The way you held me,
And made me feel that my world was complete,
I welcomed you into my soul,
Alas your Heart was on a different journey than mine,
You went in search of what would make your life complete,
My heart was broken,
And my Soul wandered without me,
Until it found the one that holds it now,
Without me knowing it you took something from me,
It took time before I could give myself completely,
I held back afraid of being hurt again,
A new soul walked with me,
New smiles that lit up my heart,
Eyes that captivated me,
Arms that never wanted to let go,
A heart that bonded with mine,
You showed me how to share my Love,
For thirty six years,
I have been blessed to find a soul mate,
Who wants to share hearts with me,
Six months ago I heard you lost your battle with cancer,
Your soul left this world,
To wander among the stars,
I hope you found what you were searching for,
And your journey here brought you joy,
I Love you for what we shared,
The things you taught me about Love,
And how to share my soul with someone,
Someday when my soul has left this rock,
Maybe our paths may cross,
That moment will light up the cosmos,
As we share our adventures,
Farewell my friend!

Life's Musings

So here I am again. Life has dropped some surprises in my lap this last nine months. Extreme beck pains that have left me a shadow of my former self. Many cat scans and mri's later and they told us that my problem stems from herniated discs in my lower back and neck, with a touch of arthritis thrown in. Not bad enough at the time they were diagnosed to be operated on. Enter pain clinics into our live's, first thing was a shot of steroids to the neck.
 Then they went about the business of shooting the nerves in my lower back with lanacaine, the purpose of this is to find out if an ablation would slow the pain in my lower back. Very painful procedure as no numbing agent is used and you feel the needles going into your nerves. Just about brought me off the table during this procedure, but I was able to grit my teeth and hang on. For the next two days there was very little pain in my lower back. Then the pain returned, they wanted to do the ablation procedure but insurance denied it. Doctor fought insurance company for months, they wanted him to do another injection first. They said that  the second injection usually cures the problem. So a second injection was done with more needles and more pain. No response that time, which led the doctor to say that there was nothing else he could do for my back.
The shot of steroids in my neck led to more pain in my arms and neck, the doctor that gave me the shot sent me back to the back doctor for an operation. The operation was scheduled and completed. After 6 weeks at the doctors follow up visit with me, he told me to start physical therapy. After 6 weeks of therapy I was getting worse. There was pains in my right arm that felt like someone had hit the upper part of my arm with a baseball bat. During therapy the same pain traveled into my right arm. At my three month follow up appointment the doctor said to quit the therapy and see if my neck would heal better that way.
So far the pain level has not diminished at all, in the last week my arms have started tingling like they are asleep and I have numbness in the lower part of my arms and my hands.
The pain in my lower back has never subsided since last August. Any standing or walking for short periods of time sends me to a comfortable chair or couch so I can wait for the pain to decrease. New pill regiments have been started with no effect as of this writing.
I am trying to follow the Lord where he leads me, but that becomes increasingly difficult when the pain makes it hard to concentrate on any one thing. I start projects in the hope that they will keep the pain at bay and give my head something else to think about, but the pain creeps in and causes me to lose the ability to finish anything.
 Lord I know you are walking with me and trying to guide me in the right direction, but my mind is a jumble and the feelings of worthlessness keep invading my thoughts and actions. Wish I could let go of these feelings and walk in your footsteps again. Watch over us and keep all of us safe and in your arms.
                                                                       

Tuesday

Too many months away from work, and the things I love to do. Wandering the Earth and taking pictures of the things I see. I manage to get out at times to enjoy things, but it usually catches up with me later in the day. The pain levels stay high most of the time, and this keeps me from fully enjoying what the Lord has put forth for us. May you have a wonderful day and get out and enjoy some of the nice weather we are having.

Blackeye Pea Salad

My mom shared this recipe with me a few weeks ago and tonite we tried it.

If I was not so tired I would have ate more of it.

Blackeye Pea Salad

2 cans (15.8 oz) Bush's blackeye peas, drained

3 Roma tomatoes, chopped

1 cup red onion, chopped

1 cup green bell pepper, chopped

1/2 cup green onions, chopped

1/2 cup cilantro, chopped

2 jalepenos, seeded & chopped (optional) 

Salt & Pepper to taste

Dressing

1 (0.7 oz.) envelope Good Seasons Italian dressing mix

1/4 cup vinegar

3 tbls. water

1/2 cup olive oil

1/4 cup sour cream

Combine all ingredients in a jar with a lid, shake until completely mixed.

Pour over Blackeye Pea Salad.

I was unable to find the Bush's peas so I used a store brand.

I skipped the jalepenos because my wife has problems with hot foods.

This would work as a dip also :)

Spring Already?

Went for a little drive yesterday and visited with my mom. Her bulbs are already reaching for the sky.

Is it spring already?

Think I will head out to the river today after the laundry is started and find something to take pictures of.

I seem to have more time on my hands now, and it feels so good getting away from that hate ;)